2010 WINTER IN DC: "The Tragedy of Snowmagedden..."
Snowpocalypse. Snowmagedden. Snowverkill. Regardless of the flaky wordplay phrase of the week, all the media-fueled hype accumulates to just another winter storm for this Midwesterner. Although I would certainly prefer the sunny 75’F winters of Florida, I have no problem surviving in the snow globe encased Washington, DC. These are the winters of my youth. When I was growing up, it seemed as though twelve to sixteen inches of snow blanketed Detroit on a regular basis throughout the winters. Hell (Hell, Michigan) had to freeze many times over before we cancelled school! Over the past week, Old Man Winter and I have had some time to re-acquaint ourselves like estranged childhood friends. As it goes, Snowpocalypse has reminded me of all the things that I hate and love about a winter storm.
WHAT I HATE
Lactose Hoarding Instincts – In times of emergency, it appears that lactose intolerance becomes a secondary worry. On a recent visit to the grocery store, I found the produce section to be well-stocked and pristine, while the milk, egg, and cheese sections were completely bare. No seriously, they were frickin baron! Apparently, in times of crisis, a hormone is released that induces an insatiable appetite for fluffy cheese omelets. Whatever the cause, watch for the aftermath media reports of bloated gassy Federal employees roaming DC streets in a dairy-induced glassy-eyed daze.
Amateur Winter Drivers – In the style of Jeff Foxworthy, YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN AMATEUR WINTER DRIVER, WHEN YOU: 1) drive your 4-wheel drive SUV 15mph through the snow; while people in small front-wheel drive vehicles give you dirty looks as they pass you 2) refuse to clear the 2’ of snow off the roof of your vehicle; point-blank: you’re a jack-ass 3) think that driving slowly uphill is safer than barreling up it at full-throttle 4) are worried about fishtailing your front-wheel drive car 5) drive in the middle of a mostly clear two-lane road because there’s less snow there.
WHAT I LOVE
Sights & Sounds – Even the heaviest of snowfall is a muted experience. The juxtaposition of visual chaos and auditory silence has always been soothing theater to me. Amongst the cascade of white noise, scraggly leafless trees wrap themselves in white snowflake fur, as if it were their attempt to keep warm. This peaceful prelude gives way to the scraping of plow blades against the pavement and the occasional whizzing sound of car tires unsuccessfully searching for traction. Eventually there’s the melodic purring and surging call of diesel engines clearing the snowfall, followed by a harmonic response of “beep beep beep beep.”
Adult-sized Children – A snowstorm awakens an adult's inner-child; impromptu snowball fights, snow angels, and the birth of snowmen and snowwomen all are evidence of this phenomenon. When freed from the ability to use their cars, people flood into the streets to avoid cabin fever. Pedestrians offer assistance to drivers struggling to ascend hills or find freedom from a snow bank (not coincidentally, these are usually the same drivers mentioned earlier). It’s as if the self-absorbed misanthropic tendencies of the hurried east-coast population are smothered with every additional inch of snowfall, leaving people friendly, helpful, and in a warmer state; rendering them into Midwesterners.
The silver lining to the cloud of “Snowmagedden” became clear to me while I ran on a treadmill overlooking the pedestrian mall courtyard of Pentagon Row. From my vantage point, I watched a snowman become partially destroyed by a Bobcat that worked to clear the sidewalk. Soon after, two young kids were exchanging snowballs in the courtyard and eventually stumbled upon the remains. Not realizing what had happened earlier, the kids kicked and played on top of the base of the fallen snowman; that is, until they discovered a carrot, hat, scarf, and buttons in the surrounding snow. As if programmed like machines, they immediately began to rebuild the snowman. They spent the next 40 minutes rebuilding that snowman and ensured that they finished the job so he looked his best; down to his carrot nose, winter cap, scarf, button eyes, and curved stick smile.
WHAT I HOPE
Although there is a natural disposition for humans to destroy, there is an equally powerful drive to create and rebuild. Despite white-out conditions and over 3 feet of snowfall, DC residents are continuing to dig themselves out and rebuild their snowmen & snowwomen. Perhaps DC residents will renounce their workaholic and business-first ways and continue acting like Midwesterners? I don't think so. Once the plows are garaged and the snow starts to melt away, the media will help us find something more exciting and important over which we can ooh and ahh. Business as usual. However, I can only hope that once we’ve cleaned up Old Man Winter’s inconvenient “Snowpocalypse,” the media might remind us of the mess Mother Nature left in New Orleans and Haiti. I heard they have had some weather and geologically-related issues, as well. Perhaps, we can learn from those kids and make sure we finish the job.
On a lighter note, here are some fun stats on AVERAGE ANNUAL SNOWFALL (in inches; courtesy of NOAA, 2008):
Valdez, AK = 326.0”
Portland, ME = 70.4”
Denver, CO = 60.3”
Cleveland, OH = 56.9”
Madison, WI = 44.1”
Boston, MA = 42.2”
Detroit, MI = 41.1”
Fargo, ND = 40.8”
Chicago, IL = 38.5”
NYC, NY = 22.7” to 28.4”
Philadelphia, PA = 20.5”
Washington, DC = 16.6” to 22.3”
***Washington, DC (current year, as of 2/11/2010) = 54.9”
-Don
Snowman at Pentagon Row